Ricky Figures It Out: How to Build a Stoli Rooftop Pool Party Body
I’m back On The Grid after having successfully been Off Of It. It got boring; people thought I was just camping. “Welcome back, how was your vacation?”, etc. The thing anti-establishment radicals don’t tell you about “Fuck assimilation” and “Don’t follow the leader, sheeple!” is that all your friends are most likely already sheep, so you’ll be the one missing out. No, thank you. I’ll take conformity over boredom any day.
It wasn’t a completely useless experiment, though—my journalistic endeavors of dropping Off The Grid were noticed by some real head honchos, and, because of it, I was invited to attend the Stoli Rooftop Pool Party.
If you don’t know, there’s a Stoli Rooftop Pool Party on November 17. In the famous words of Biggie Smalls, “If you don’t know, now you know.” A week ago, when I was Off The Grid and really “fuck da man” and not so lonely, I would’ve given the ol’ single-finger salute (flip off) as my answer to the invitation.
This week, I’m only thinking: I gotta get my beach bod ready.
Therein lies the problem: I had been off the grid for so long that the Stoli Rooftop Pool Party on November 17 had snuck up on me. After some quick research, the fastest “miracle” workout strategy I could find took 12 weeks.
I had only 12 days.
As always, at the heart of these articles, the heart of my body, I felt I could do better.
I just had to figure it out!
The plan: Most workout strategies take into account only the body. I knew the way to compact 12 weeks of intense workout into 12 days was to take into account the mind, body, and soul, all together, with three easy ideals:
- Inspire the mind
- Workout the body
- Cleanse the soul
First things first: I had to quit drinking. Step Three seemed like a good place to start; cleanse the body and you cleanse the soul. Since there was going to be alcohol at the Stoli Rooftop Pool Party on November 17, I knew I couldn’t just quit cold tuna, so I decided Step One would have to be a combination of Steps Three and Two; finding a balance between building muscles and building alcohol tolerance. Since it was a Stoli Rooftop Pool Party after all, I figured I had better buy some Stoli Premium Vodka The World’s Most Original Vodka.
Onto Step Two (Step One in the list above): Inspire the mind.
I needed a trainer. And I had no money. But this Stoli Premium Vodka was giving me some great ideas—I needed heart, and I needed it with a Russian twist.
Rocky IV. I started watching it with a gorgeous bottle of Stoli at my side, and around the part in the movie where Apollo Creed gets killed (spoiler) I was so inspired that I started doing non-stop pushups, and kept doing them during the montage scene where Rocky Balboa goes to Russia and trains in the snow. I didn’t stop doing pushups until Adrian Balboa (Rocky Balboa’s wife) showed up in Russia to support Rocky Balboa. I only stopped because I was emotionally overwhelmed. Adrian was so supportive of Rocky Balboa and their love was so beautiful and inspiring. It was as if their love had been filtered through quartz, sand, activated charcoal, and finally, through woven cloth, much like Stoli Premium Vodka is.
I soon figured out that my workout plan was not a step-by-step process, but a combination of all three steps at once. At the same time I was getting inspired (Step One) I was also doing pushups to workout my body (Step Two) and drinking the 4-time-filtered Stoli Premium Original Vodka (Step Three). When I woke up the next morning, I looked into the mirror, and knew this 3-steps-at-once process was working—I was jacked, crying, and hungover.
With my beach bod coming along almost as quickly as the Stoli Rooftop Pool Party on November 17, I figured I should figure out some other aspects about the party to truly succeed. I held an impromptu interview with Ms. Christa Wittmier, and she laid down the five essential things you would need for success at Stoli’s Rooftop Pool Party:
- Girls
- A towel (no towel service provided)
- A good attitude (The rich, crisp taste of Stoli Premium 4-Times-Filtered Original Vodka is enough to put anyone in a good mood. Check.)
- Sunglasses are good. So is a swimsuit.
- A smartphone to Instagram pics of the Stoli party while you’re there enjoying it, using the #hashtag #stolirooftopseries
This Ricky Figures It Out is a unique one, because, as of this writing, we don’t know if I’ve succeeded yet, or not! It’s not November 17! I haven’t yet gone to the Stoli Rooftop Pool Party!!!
Stay tuned for the next installment: RFIO: The Followup.
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