Sad Ricky Figures It Out: Feng Shui

Ricky Peters was coddled as a child and well into his adult life, which has lead to a deluded sense of self-importance throughout his later years. After moving to Honolulu and being on his own, he began to realize there are many things in life that we don’t inherently know. For example, how, exactly do you “Feng Shui”? Who invented it? Does it work? Who knows! Let’s figure it out.©

It’s been thought in a Chinese language that a room with proper “Feng Shui” will revitalize and rejuvenate the people within it. And since my 7-hour sleeps left me exhausted, I decided, finally, that the time was right: Feng Shui might be the answer. After asking the clerk at a local bookstore if she knew anything about the Chinese philosopher Feng Shui, I was lead, instead, to a self-help section.

This Feng Shui had written a lot of books! Laid out before me were rows and rows of them, all describing different chackrah (sp?) and core-chi (sp?) techniques, like heavy breathing exercises. After skimming a few chapters of a book with a picture of an orchid resting on a pillow, I left the store feeling freshly rejuvenated, cleansed, and ready to tackle the world. I was beginning to like this Feng Shui fellow. Armed with what I felt was enough information to begin, I set out to rearrange my life, starting with my bedroom. I needed to alleviate some of my sleep deprivation and general lack of… motivatoin *motivnatio, w/e—I set off to take care of business.

According to every book I skimmed, the first step is to find your “Kua” number. For males, you simply add the last two digits of your birth year together to make one number. Then, you subtract that number from 10 to find your Kua number. Sounds easy enough.

I was born in 1990, so 9 + 0 = 9. Simple!

Then, I subtracted 10 from that.

9 – 10 = -1

Okay. Looks like my Kua number is -1. Hey, that was easy!

For females, it’s pretty ridiculous to find your Kua. I don’t remember the details, but, when I read them, I remember thinking, “Yikes.”

Now that I had my number, I was ready to find out my lucky direction:

According to the napping orchid book, Kua numbers that are 1, 3, 4, and 9 indicate a lucky direction of WEST.

EAST is for numbers that are 2, 5, 6, 7, and 8.

I figured, since my number isn’t included, I’ll just go “closest to”, and picked WEST. Easy.

We were ready to start shifting furniture! I pointed my bed west (Originally, it pointed south. How about that for a shift in positive flow!), but found that this shift conflicted with a big Feng Shui no-no: “Don’t arrange your bed in line with a door.”

No problem. It was as easy as moving the bed to the other end of the room! This caused me to move my desk in line with the door, which, unfortunately, brought up another big Feng Shui no-no (He has a lot of those): “Don’t arrange your bed under a window.”

Great. Since I couldn’t move my window, I looked at where my floor-length lamp was, and immediately moved it to the other side of the room. I put the bed in it’s place, and voila: Problem solved.

By now the sun had gone down, and since my lamp’s new placement was nowhere near my bed, I had to read my Feng Shui books laying on the floor, which wasn’t very comfortable. I ended up getting fed up with laying on the floor and decided to move my lamp next to my bed again, except my bed was blocking the power outlet I needed.

So I moved my bed again (to access the outlet), and realized that my bed was pretty much in the same exact spot from where it began.

Feng Shui’s goal is to increase “positive flow” the best you can, while simultaneously decreasing “negative flow”. By the time I was done, I guess my desk was back under the window and my bed was pointing south again.

I guess it turns out that even though my room wasn’t at its maximum “Feng Shui”, it was a lot better than it was when I did what the books suggested! Which is kind of a bummer, because my room has always sort of felt like shit.

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