Psychic: Here’s What Hawaii Will Look Like In 2015


    You are exactly who you say you are, and you came here looking for answers. I know this, because I am New York Psychic Jesse Bravo!

    I am looking at the future right now, actually. Do not look into my eyes or you will see it, too! Your inadequate human eyes won’t be able to handle it and will melt out of your worthless head.

    The Hawaii Tourism Authority has commissioned me to look into its future to see what will happen so that it can grow and prosper. Here is what I have seen:

    1Governor Ige

    The January winds shall bring a new breeze. In his first year as governor, David “Da Engineer” Ige quickly lives up to his new nickname when he unveils his homelessness initiative: to put 50 people of the state’s homeless population into a camp on five acres of Parker Ranch to create their own society. There are no laws, and they are given $15,000, a barn, some chickens, two pigs, a payphone, and a lake. They have one year to do it and they build a perfect society. In the scoop of the year, a journalist named Duane Shimogawa reveals that Ige’s favorite program of all time was the short-lived 2014 Fox reality show, “Utopia.” The People’s Republic Of Peace will go on to become the most successful society in human history.

    2Obama Library

    You will like this one, because it has a happy ending. YES: More construction begins in Kakaako when Hawaii wins the bid for the Obama Library! But, DO NOT ACCEPT THE PROJECT. Chicago won’t go down without a fight, and a series of missile attacks will leave Kakaako a wasteland of empty warehouses with murals painted on them, uncompleted affordable housing construction sites, and sewage-y smells. Something called a Walk-In Store will reopen in July.

    3Cycle Track

    This one really hurts – for I am an avid cyclist – but the King Street Cycle Track will close forever in March after a drone photographer accidentally strikes and kills a bicycle rider named Howard. Opponents will prove the bike lane was, indeed, a deadly menace wrought onto society at the behest of an angry government, but as a token of good will, Mayor Caldwell will fill it in with beautiful flower boxes.

    4The Event

    It finally happens! The thing I have warned you about for so long. Mfthuxct will return from the depths to take the worthy into His eternal sacrificial torture chamber. His fire breath destroys the rest of you left behind.